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What you gonna do with all that orange junk, all that orange junk inside your trunk?

June 18, 2012

This year, orange fever turned out to be more of an orange raised temperature. Last night The Netherlands was unceremoniously booted out of the European football championships by a man who has a stylist on hand to fix his hair during halftime. Yeah. I’m not proud either.

But for weeks we’ve been hoarding orange crap that’s been given to us with daily purchases: Geluksvogels, Jup Holland Jup shirts, wave shirts, V-dresses. And the question arises: what do we do with that shit now that all we have to look forward to is qualifying matches for FIFA 2014? I’m here to help!

C1000 (a supermarket chain) handed out Geluksvogels (lucky birds) which squeak annoyingly but whose advertising campaign was supported by a very catchy song and a football star-studded cast.

Geluksvogels ad by C1000

As we were beaten by some of The Netherlands’ favorite holiday destinations (Germany, Portugal) and the Dutch love little more than camping (and bringing lots of their own crap to the campsite), I recommend bringing all your Geluksvogels on holiday. Give them to your kids if you have them and tell them to entertain themselves with the little squeaky toys as soon as they wake up. Park your kids in front of your German neighbors’ tent if you have to. That’ll learn ’em!

Albert Heijn, another supermarket chain, used to love handing out little cutesy, furry creatures with purchases, but this year went a different route with the voorspelsjaal and voorspelhoed (predict scarf and predict hat).

These scarves and hats are portable scoreboards – doesn’t seem very conducive to everyday use. However, the clever advertising folks who thought these up put a pun in their name (at least, I hope this was a conscious decision; otherwise it was a very grievous oversight) which lends it to an entirely different use. “Voorspel” as a verb, with the stress on the second syllable, means predict. But “voorspel” as a noun, with the stress on the first syllable means foreplay. So grab your significant other(s), tweet a booty call, or post a desperate status on Facebook and lock yourself in your bedroom on those nights that The Netherlands was supposed to be playing the quarter final, semi-final, and final. I’m sure you can come up with a creative way to use these accouterments in your nighttime romp; if not, I fear for the quality of your love life.

The other most popular orange items were clothing. Jupiler thought up this “Jup, Holland, Jup” shirt (a play on “Hup, Holland, Hup” – one of the most well-known Dutch football songs.

As for its alternative uses, I’d suggest using it for kindling on those cold summer nights we’ve been having. That’s the only way to cleanse our society of that hideous slogan “Mannen weten waarom” (men know why). As a Jupiler drinker and football watcher with designated lady-parts, this slogan has the power to make me go from nice, kind teacher-lady to raging banshee radical feminist in zero seconds. Burn it and we’ll all be better for it, I promise.

And then the final item: Bavaria’s V-dress. Bavaria has made a name for itself with orange merchandise aimed at women. Three women who wore the 2010 edition “Dutch Dress” in a stadium in South Africa were even arrested for breaking the rules regarding sponsoring (that tournament was sponsored by Budweiser – a competitor of Bavaria).

This year’s V-dress has a distinctly retro feel. Most of the women I’ve seen in it wear it as a top rather than a dress, because the models pictured above don’t have a body type that’s commonly found in The Netherlands, but no matter. The alternative use isn’t based on body type, but on politics. Perhaps you heard about the speaker of the Michigan State legislature and his decision to silence two female representatives after they used the word “vagina” During a debate on abortion, representative Lisa Brown said “Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no’.” It is strange that in a debate about the legislation of female reproductive health, the medical, official term for a part of the designated-female anatomy which is at the heart of this debate may not be uttered by a woman. In response to his strange and ridiculous decision, Lisa Brown, Eve Ensler, and at least 8 legislators will now perform Ensler’s well-known “The Vagina Monologues” on the steps of the Michigan Capital in Lansing. Often performed on Valentine’s Day – or V-Day – “The Vagina Monologues” are speeches which touch on issues that affect women the world over. How perfect would it be if these women could recite these monologues while wearing V-dresses (even with a little touch of America’s red, white, and blue in them)? So let’s ship the Michigan legislature all our dresses. After all, Bavaria will certainly bestow new useless fashions upon us if we make it to FIFA 2014.

So there you go: there’s no need for any of this to go to waste. And in case you hadn’t noticed, my tongue was firmly planted in cheek while I wrote this post. Humor is the only way I can cope with the loss. I must smile through my tears.


One Comment leave one →
  1. June 18, 2012 11:50 am

    I blame our ignominious departure on Albert Heijn cheaping out and not giving away any Welpies, Beesies, or anything else fun. What were we supposed to do with those stickers? As for those Jupiler shirts, well, I do need some cleaning rags.

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